Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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