My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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