I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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