I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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