My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
