God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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