since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
