i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
