party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hippo gnu deer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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