i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Quick, to the slutcave!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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