I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
