I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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