ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
