He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you never un-have a 4some
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
