Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
