Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
