I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
they need to just BURY HIM!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
