oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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