My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
