i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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