i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
