Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
being pregnant is like rehab
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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