Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
