There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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