So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
