first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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