kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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