god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Randomize
