Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
