I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
