IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
