Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
