just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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