I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
