Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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