All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
