dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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