tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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