Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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