apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
