He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
