You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
