I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
