if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
