life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
