i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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