you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
