He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
