note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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