Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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