OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
